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How to win 99.6 percent of the parliament – By Habtamu Seyoum

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(A letter from a tormenter to tomorrow’s tyrant)
By Habtamu Seyoum
Dear ……
After reading over twenty letters from my African counterparts (whom they need me to tell them how to have a long lasted regime and a long haired lady), I come up with your letter.
I like your joke about Mugabe. And I like the name you gave him after that horrible accident: Robert –wiggly- Mugabe. That is really funny, I don’t have any idea how that man learns those moves. Do not tell him I say so but that man got moves like Jagger.
Back to business, in your letter you beg me to tell you how could I and my political party won 99.6 of the parliament. Also you showed me you are striving to be the next ‘us’.
The late prime minister used to say: transferring our success to our African brothers is one of our long waited plans, GOD rests his soul, by now he shall be transferred to hell number 1 where Hitler and Caligula found drunken every day. The whole people missed him. That is why we are going to conduct a love letter writing competition entitled; how the hell are you Mr. prime minister? ).That is why I am more than happy to pass the secrets to you.
But remember, unless otherwise you munch the next course day and night, it seems impossible to be like us (it is always tough to be the next genius). If you want to be in power for many decades (no matter what citizens are faded up with you), you better sit you butt and listen to us. If you want to win all but one seat of the parliament (damn! how could we lose that one sit), you shall follow the following rules.
We had shared what we knew to others. But only the mavericks such as Gadafi and Mubarak are seen owning it. Damn! They are not in power right now. Why all good things must end. Sorry! I sound a little bit emotional.
Ok…ok…ok…let me dry up my tears. Where is my handkerchief? Hailemariam?
Ok let’s start…
Incubating marionettes
You better get a minion that will bow for you in a snap of fingers. Put the best marionettes at every crucial institution of the country. Crown a muted man as a house speaker, assign an illiterate as a professor of public policy ,employ a sadist uncle of you as a police chief, approve your nut aunt as justice of the supreme court and before everything appoint a puppet on string as the president of the electoral board.
The board will help your party to win any election by filtrating and disqualifying big opposition parties that may win the popular vote. By doing so, members of the parties may want to demonstrate. No worries! Your chief police uncle and your Godfather army general know how to break every bone of every demonstrator. Some of them may want to take the matter to courts. It is ok your justice aunt will overrule it.
But this doesn’t mean you are done. There are some dogs that will bark in the behalf of the disfavored. Their names are NGos and civil groups.
They are so big mouthed that when they say a word the whole world would turn its face on you. It is like they own the ear of the world.
Oh no! Here come tears once again.Hailemariayam didn’t I say to bring me a handkerchief? (I think this fool thought as he is the real prime minister.God save this man from being slapped)
Ok! Where were we? Ya the NGOs..
Paralyzing castigators
These organizations are vesper bells; they will be heard from anywhere. So do not declare a direct war on them. Just enact a law that can paralyze them smoothly, just make a gangrene directive that can finish them gradually.
Let be laws, like the law that criminalizes human rights activities undertaken by local organizations that receive more than ten percent of their funding from abroad( god knows how the hell are they going to survive? rob banks? ). Also do not forget to declare many human right activities by foreign NGOs as punishable crimes.
Now sit back and relax. See them waving goodbye to the people. You may see sobbing citizens who used to be helped by such rascals; dare not to show sympathy (Just Laugh behind curtains.)
But you are not done yet. There are mushroomed tongues that amplify your sublime attack on the NGOs (and on those pieces of shameless who insist taking the power you got it by gun barrel just by a voting card.)
The whole world called these remnants journalists, bloggers, activists….bala bla..bla. Do not underestimate them brother. They are capable of confronting a brigade without a single weapon but their ball pointed pen. They can make you cry like a child.
Damn ! here comes my tear again! Hailemariam! He is not around? Ok then call Abadulla for me. He is not around too? Where did he go? To buy another degree? Ok! we will see what I am going to do with him when he returns. (Maybe ,hundred pushups!)
Let’s move to the third step..
Sweeping out the pens
Their words are so powerful that they are louder than grenades. Their pens are secret weapons that puff ink and make your heart weak. Their papers are not just papers but flying daggers that will make you sway at once. Don’t forget I am talking about what the nation called them journalists, bloggers bla ..bla …bla (damn naming them is somewhat scary).
You can’t stop them by an economic sabotage. Like a cockroach, they know how to survive without food and water. You may break their arms, but they will dare to write picking a pen by their lips. It is very hard to make them and Jews extinct. But we have the secret to make them endangered; flee off the land, of course to make them rot in jail. We named the secret ‘the anti-terrorism law ‘(some of us called it weapon of mass destruction).
I know you’re an idiot so let me elaborate it. The anti-terrorism law is a law that made even breathing a punishable crime. It is a stone to kill flocks of birds.
So adopt this law and use it. It is like a miracle. We just used one proclamation to fill kality prison with those pains on butts. It is amazing how few articles help sweep the whole cockroaches out of the land.
You see! No newspaper! No blogger! No water!
You are left alone.
Being followed by bogus and insignificant parties, go join the election. Win every seat of the parliament without getting a single vote. Grab the throne without the consent of the people. Smile to the people, wave your left hand to them (do not forget putting your right hand on the gun in your belt)
That is it .God I think I am happy and emotional for you.
Hey! Hailemareiam where have you been? You were trying to know how to speak in Tigergna? That is a good idea but instead of struggling to speak Tigrigna I think you better study how to communicate in sign language. That is what the voiceless does.
Hey! Before I finish I need a favor from you. Like you see I showed you how win 99.6 percent of the parliament. I am wondering if you have something that can bring back my sleep. You know decades passed since we sleep .every night has nightmares filled with a swarm of people with the slogans:’ enough!’
Best of lucks!